Heart in a Pen

Admittedly, I've been putting some pretty heavy stuff up the last few weeks. Typically my updates have been about some issues or idea in our society, but these last ones have been rather introspective. No, I'm not a manic depressive or have some kind of split personality, I just right where I feel led. Interestingly enough, that very idea is my next topic.

I believe in writing what my heart tells me to.

Yes, I realize how cliche and mushy that sounds. It sounds like the end of some crappy kids movie right? The bad guys get defeated by the power of your heart! Pathetic (there's a reason no one wanted to be Ma-Ti from Captain Planet). But despite all the sickeningly sweet images you get, there is something to be said about writing what you feel, unedited and without any worry about what others think.

In reality, that's what I feel this whole online journal is. They are mental defragming, and have little structure. Any of my faithful readers might notice that I tend to wander, maybe babble from time to time. Here;s the reason, I don't plan what I'm going to write. Sure, I have a main topic each time, and maybe an image or point that came to me, but all the rest just fills in on its own (and it's not easy to have a relative introduction and some mildly witty ending each week). Sure, it might be better if I had some proper planning, but I would probably enjoy it less. I mean, I like doing this writing so much, that I've been thinking about making it a twice weekly thing (we'll see how that turns out).

Writing from the heart is something that I feel all writers do. There's only so far that logic and creativity can go, those stories and ideas that we love, that come from the heart are some of our best works. Honestly, I believe that everyone needs to do things from the heart: photographers, pastors, engineers, teachers, even accountants. Those ideas that possess you and ache to be put into action are the ones that can produce the most wonderous results.

Yet, as much as it should be a part of all lives, I also think that there is some fear that restricts. The heart is a delicate thing, that's just the truth of life. Even the toughest looking person has cracks that lead to heartache. When we do something, anything, from the heart, it opens us up to be shot down. Despite all the benefits that following what your heart is urging you to do, we can ignore that voice and choose to be safe. Little risk, little harm, right? But little reward as well.

Here's what I want. Let's have a day or a week or a lifetime where we just let go. Write what we want, draw what we want, take whatever pictures we want. Follow your heart. Mine is in my pen, my words. What I write has some part of me in it, this shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. What we need is a release, the ability to listen to that little voice in our hearts, those ideas and beliefs that seem so exciting. That's it, to anyone with some deep reservations and doubts, just do it. Get out there and go for it, whatever it is.

But not right now, I mean, it's like 2:45 at night, have some common sense.

Just something to chew on.

Mind Your Q's and A's

I enjoy answering questions. There is a lot that your answer to any question can tell about your own character. When I have stayed up late with friends, we often cover deeper ideas, ask more probing questions. I learn about them with their answers, but I also learn about myself. I have often had to think hard and talk my way through vague ideas that i have had. I have come away with more solid understandings of who I am. With that, there is something that needs to be known.

We need others to ask us what's wrong.

This might seem fairly straight forward, but let me build this up a bit. At Taylor, it often feels like the only relationship some people have with one another is in passing. You know each others' names, and can say hi when you walk past each other. Typically, one of you will ask how the other is. Polite society (ie society that doesn't really care) dictates that the proper response is "fine" or something like "it's been better." Non-committal either way, and leaves the either side feeling like they've made a daily connection. I'm guilty of this myself, but I try not to be. For whatever it's worth, I try not to give that same answer that everyone expects.

So, what I mean is that when we ask, we honestly need to care. I know that if there is something troubling us in life, it is hard to just tell someone. It is never easy to just go up to a friend and say, "Hey, this is bothering me..." and go into a night long explanation of your troubles. It's not that you don't think your friend will care, but it's that you want to be sure. I could find someone to unload my problems onto, and they might think that it isn't important. Yet, if someone asks me, I can at least assume they care enough to let me say my piece. People that I have let into that more personal side have asked me what was wrong, and I trust them more for it.

I don't believe that you need to have a heart to heart with everyone that you come into contact with. Frankly, when I think about the number of people I know and would say hello to on a regular basis, if I had a deep conversation with each of them, I would never get anything done. What I do think, is that when we have people that we care about, people's whose well being is important to us, we shouldn't just be satisfied with one word answers. I try to ask people and care about their responses, but I think that I get boxed into the routine responses as well because no one expects anything different. There isn't much I can do if the only answer I get is "fine." I want others to be able to tell me what's wrong, as much as I need to tell them my problems.

It all boils down, I think, to the need to care about people. I realize that this may sound odd coming from me, but it's a general truth. We go about with so many superficial relationships and feel that because we say hi and know someone's name, that we're interacting with them deeply. As a society, we need to step it up, there is a difference between being friendly and committing to people. Let's move past the point of face-value relationships and into a deeper understanding.

But let's be honest, some problems should only be dealt with between guys, and some only between girls.

Just something to chew on.

The Moon Listens At Least

Most of you that know me will agree that I am a pretty quiet guy. I can go hours without talking and not be bothered. I tend to listen more in conversation than talk. I'm not saying anything about being dull or unassertive, Lord knows that could never be the case. I would bet that most people have never heard me raise my voice. I may cheer at a concert or something similar, but no one has heard me scream. I have, however, made an intriguing discovery recently.

Yelling helps me voice my problems.

One night, I just had this urge to yell, to break my quiet ways and just shout out loud. So, two thirty in the morning, I walked out to the Taylor prayer deck where no one could hear me, and started yelling. I spent an hour out there, pacing along the wooden platform, shouting at the moon. I wasn't cold, the dew didn't bother me, I wasn't afraid of being alone in the dark, there was nothing but what I was saying. When I was done, I felt better. The walk back to my dorm was filled a sense of acceptance, if nothing else.

For me, it was an amazing release. There was so much that had been built up in me. When I let loose, yelling to the sky, it was like my frustration was freed a little bit. The moon took it in stride. Of course, I don't actually mean the moon was listening, but it was my physical stand-in for God. It gave me a vocal target, a specific place to send my troubles. And with that, I think my relief came from two sides. The first part coming from the physical act of shouting, of letting loose. The second part comes from the fact that I could yell to God.

That is a distinction that I want to make. For all my frustration and questions, I was never yelling at God. I think that this is important. The people that yell at God, I believe, don't have the same relief that I had. I wasn't angry with him, just confused. When people yell at God, I feel that means you aren't trusting him, but when you yell to him, it means you need help.

Where I am going with this is pretty simple, everyone should have a release. Wouldn't it be great if we could have a valve that let you drain out whatever was bothering you? People are angry, that's just a part of life. Some people deal with it well. Others, like me, have some trouble. But in all, I think that there is a way for everyone to deal with stress and frustration in their own way. My friend Jessica walks fast everywhere she goes, that, she claims, is her stress reliever. So I yell, she fast walks, others exercise, some people are more destructive, but we all have our own methods. If we could all find that healthy way to deal, imagine what a happy society we could have.

Admittedly, if everyone yelled like me, no one could ever sleep.

Just something to chew on.

Second Fiddle

Be forewarned, this might sound a little depressing. It'll give you a little insight into who I am I suppose, but don't worry too much. This time around, I'm taking another look at choices. We're faced with tons of choices everyday: big and small, important and minor, voluntary or mandatory. As far as we know, the only thing that matters in the end, is the choice we did make. The other option matters little. At least, that's the accepted idea.

There is a theory, however, that says every choice we makes creates an alternate reality.

That's a crazy thought. Just imagine with me, what these other worlds could be like. Who might you be? More importantly, who might I be? I often think about how my life would be different if I had made one choice or another. I might be at a different school, I might not be a writing major, I might be dating someone, I might be engaged, I might be a father already. There's a lot of things that could be different. It takes a brain power far beyond mine to think about all the decisions I've ever made, and what could be had I chosen differently.

I've often thought about what I would be like if I wasn't a Christian. That scares me. I think that I would be a really terrible person if I wasn't part of God's family. My life is built around a morality that is bible based. Pretty logical for a pastor's son right? If I hadn't had those basics, I would have made some really stupid choices. I probably would have smoked pot in high school, or gone out with one of the girls that were so "active." How I talk, how I dress, how I interact with people, all those would be drastically different.

I started thinking about this after hearing someone made a comment about talking to your second choice person. That idea phrasing bothered me. For a long time, I've felt that I was always someones second choice, that there was always someone else that the person I was hanging out with would rather be with. That got me to thinking about how my life would have been shaped if they had decided to leave me alone for someone else. Or if they had decided to hang with me instead of some else.

I guess what this ( and ever other post about choice) is saying, is that I'm glad my life has had the experiences it has. As much as I think about what these other realities might be like, how I could be, I don't have to worry about them. I am who I am, and no amount of speculation is going to change that. I still wonder about the ties that I have been that second choice, when people have left me for someone else. It bothers me sometimes, but I think that I can look back in life and eventually see that it was for the best. I want to never feel regret for the choices I've made.

Now if only I could decide when to go to bed.

Just something to chew on.